When.

When I start to weep for no reason and my chair is tilted back and I have your name bouncing in my head as my hand goes down my pants. When I stand in the snow and my feet go numb but my heart wakes up. When I watch cars go by and I imagine being a passenger. When I have 42 things I really should be doing and all I can do is listen to the same song over and over until I know every word and every note. When I bask in the sun coming through the window and think of birds flying south. When I ache from my shoulders to my toes and it makes me happy. When I stick my hands in hot water and wish with my whole being that I could crawl into the heat of your voice. When you look at me as I drive by and I pretend I don’t see you. When I walk around the old people who are moving too slow, but seem happy to be taking their time. When I eat chocolate and feel guilty about it. When I drink water and feel all sloshy because I drank too much and I wonder if I will float away. When I have no one to talk to and all I want to do is talk and talk and talk about nothing, about everything. When I stalk the silence armed with an air horn and a smile and a feeling of invincibility. When I take my time to look nice and brush my hair and not one person fucking notices. When all I can do is lay in bed and wish I was anywhere but here. When I think of driving there and I am so scared that my stomach becomes upset and my hands start to shake. When I wonder what I did that was so fucking wrong. When I love too much for my own good and put other people before me. When I can’t take anymore and just want to scream and smash things.

It sometimes amazes me what it takes to open my eyes. I have spent so much of my last several years needing other people to hold me up and I should have been holding myself up. It took almost losing someone who has become one of the most important people in my life to see what I was doing. The sad thing is that in all of my selfishness, they were suffering too. They needed someone to help hold them up and I was not there for them. I am disgusted with myself for that. However, I am starting to find my strength again and if they need me I will do everything I can to be there for them. I hope they know that. I am not 100% by any means, but I am strong enough to shoulder some of it.

Wow, the last two days have been beautiful. The sun is shining and I have had to have my window open at work. I just want to go out and play.

Bjork - Who is it

His embrace, a fortress
It fuels me
And places
A skeleton of trust
Right beneath us
Bone by bone
Stone by stone
If you ask yourself patiently and carefully:
Who is it ?
Who is it that never lets you down ?
Who is it that gave you back your crown ?
And the ornaments are going around
Now they're handing it over
Handing it over

He demands a closeness
We all have earned a lightness
Carry my joy on the left
Carry my pain on the right

If you ask yourself patiently and carefully:
Who is it ?
Who is it that never lets you down ?
Who is it that gave you back your crown ?
And the ornaments are going around
Now they're handing it over
Handing it over

I don’t know anything anymore. I trudge on, I have all these damn emotions that I can’t seem to wrangle and it feels like they splatter on the people I love the most. I say the wrong things at the wrong time and I make it worse by rambling on about inane things. I wish I was the girl I used to be before I got married. I was strong and confident and more able to deal with all the shit in my head. I don’t see any of that girl in me anymore. I am afraid of everything. I hide behind this layer of giggles and stupid. I don’t know how to find the me I was or to become the me I am supposed to be. I don’t know what interests me anymore. I can’t create art. I crave it, but I don’t do it. Maybe fear of rejection or maybe fear of what my art will show me. I am 34 years old and I don’t know who I am. That is pretty pathetic really.

One thing that I do know is that I love. I don’t say it often enough and I ahahah don’t say it right, but I do. Fiercely. And loving that way can hurt. It sometimes makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry until it’s all out. I do need to find out who I am before that love can make more sense, but I will and then look out.