I think I’ve lost my way. I don’t know what I am doing anymore. I am so very tired.

/rant

I’m tired. I’m tired of wanting and wanting and not getting. I am tired of being let down by people. I am tired of even caring. I am tired of worry and stupid people doing stupid things. I am tired of going to school and not knowing what I want to do with the education I am getting. I am tired of being sick and I am tired of being tired.

I just want to go. I want to travel this world and see and do and fuck and sing and explore. I want to meet people who have never been to America. I want to learn new languages by immersing myself in them. I want to stomp in rain puddles in London and see the green green green of Scotland. Nairn, in fact. It’s a golf resort town. I don’t like golf, but I still want to go there.

I want him to whisper dirty things in my ear as we fuck. I want to come screaming under him only to start all over again after a few minutes of gasping. I want to break furniture and make the neighbors sigh with envy. The kind of fucking you need a few days to recover from. The kind of fucking that lays it all bare.

I want to paint and sculpt things from clay. I want to create outer manifestations of the results of all this fucking. Giant sculptures of metal and glass that make people shiver to look upon. Make their nipples hard and their lips tremble.

I want to not be afraid. I want to think that I am capable of doing these things and be fearless enough to try them.

The wind and Dr. Who

Today I am in a good mood. It’s actually a wonderful thing because I haven’t been in a good mood in a couple of weeks now. I have had the sads. No need to go into why, but they have been deep and all encompassing. To the point that my mother asked me no fewer than 4 times if I was alright. Today, I AM alright. It has been raining really hard for 3 days and today the wind is blowing hard. I am hoping for power outage so that I can go home and take a nap. Though I did get up an hour later than normal today because, apparently, I turned off my alarm. I am just lucky I always wake up and look at the clock at 8:05. For a few moments I contemplated calling in sick, but in the end I decided I needed money more than more sleep.

I love the wind. It makes me feel all invigorated to be out in it. Earlier I was standing out there and the wind caught the bun in my hair and it felt like someone was tugging it. It was odd and sort of great. Weather like this always makes me all tingly and wish I had someone to…tingle with.

The last couple of days, I have been watching the first season of the BBC show Dr. Who. Holy shit, I love it! I am mad for the 9th Dr., whom I just figured out only lasts until the end of season one. Sawb. I am assured that I will be mad for the 10th Dr as well.

I have had the urge to start writing again, lately. I have this story brewing in my head and it’s sort of been there for months. I worry that I wont do it justice. It has been many years since I wrote anything longer than a blog post. I used to write short stories all of the time. I feel like I need to get some more knowledge before I can write well though. I’ve been in this bubble of hermit that I am trying harder and harder to break out of. Also, I want to paint. I want to experiment with watercolours. I have been a horrible niece and have still not painting my aunt’s Christmas present. Horrible horrible! I need to do that. Just painting will help some of this residual shit in my head. Of course, when I am sad like that I don’t feel like writing or painting or crocheting, even though I have things I need to do and quickly. Time has been slipping away from me lately, though. Which is sort of very weird, because I am usually hyperaware of time. But lately, weeks can pass and I think it has just been a couple of days. It’s annoying and starting to get me into trouble.