Wow it's been 11 year and this thing still sits here. Is there anyone still out there? I have returned to Second Life to find that mesh and bento and stuff like that has made everyone beautiful. You actually have to work to be ugly these days. My friends and I are going to be opening a club/bar. A small place for good music and beautiful atmosphere. I will elabote later. I have to start work in 3 minutes.

Today I have a job interview.

Since the last time I whined on here a lot has changed. And really not much at all has changed. I have lost 25 pounds. I am getting out in the world more, and today I have not only a job interview, but a second interview. I am really confident that I will get the job. The first interview went really well, but it was sort of just a basic, short, letting me know about what is expected and if I am still interested. I am. Today is the test. They will ask why I left my last job and I will have to tell them I was fired. That is always the point where peoples eyes glaze over, but I think that this time it will be different. These people will give me a chance to get back into the working world. They will give me a chance to learn and improve. Today is going to be a great day.

Anxiety is keeping me awake.

This has been a stressful month for me. Two weeks ago thursday, I turned 36 years old. I am unemployed and my unemployment benefits run out in November sometime. And there is no job prospects in sight. My mental state has been bad to say the least. Suicide has even crossed my mind a couple of times. I don't want to die though. I want to live. I want to have a life. I want to get a job that will pay enough that I can pay my bills and save some money so maybe this time next year I can move to a city. This town has been nothing but shit for me. I moved here to save my marriage. Did it work? No. I have been separated from my husband for about 3 years now. Sometimes it feels like longer and sometimes it still feels like yesterday. I have these weak moments where I think that I should go back to him. I know he would have me. But we didn't do well together. We were both miserable for almost the entirety of our marriage and going back to that wouldn't be living. I have to find a way to make some money right now. I wish I could figure out how to work from home. I think that would be best for me at this moment. I have been without a job for a year and a half and in that time have become a hermit. My social skills have deteriorated at an alarming rate. I was never the social to begin with, but now I can hardly make eye contact. Second Life isnt fun for me anymore either. It just feels like a time suck and a boring one at that. All i do when I go into SL is dj and stand around doing mostly nothing. Even making poses has lost it's appeal. I think that that part is because there are so many pose makers right now and the popular pose places are owned by the popular people in SL. I guess basically what I am saying is that I don't know what to do. I am scared shitless. In a few weeks I might be without funds and I can't pay rent or my car payment. I only owe like 1000$ left on my car and it might as well be a million dollars. I need help. I have no idea how or where to get it. I need a fucking job.

No one reads this blog anyway and I haven’t updated for awhile, so I am going to take this opportunity to rant a little and whine a little.
Why am I always the one who loves more? I am never the priority to anyone and that fucking breaks my heart over and over and over. I know that I give too much of myself. I always have and that is a lot of my problem. I can’t seem to keep from loving with my whole fucking soul. So I get slapped down time and again. Not physically, but mentally I feel like the biggest fucking reject ever. How do I always fall for the same kind of man? In the words of a friend of mine, I always fall for the broken geniuses. And the thing with these kinds of men is that when it’s good and comfortable, it is the best place ever. It is warm and sexy and interesting and good. But when it’s bad, when they are in the midst of one of their “down periods” or something, it feels like a knife to the chest. And maybe that is selfish. Maybe I have no right to complain, but you know what? I need to be a little more selfish. I give so fucking much that it feels like I have nothing left for myself sometimes. I just want to be appreciated and loved. I don’t see how that is so fucking hard.
Yeah that’s enough whining.

Purple, bitches.

So I am not happy with this picture I made to showcase some of my favorite purples, but I have been putting this off for too long. I just logged out of SL too and I realize that that was dumb. Let me log back in to get infos.

The first outfit starting from the left…I love this dress. I have it in several colors and I wear it probably too much lately. It is so lovely though. Lovely and sexy and dare I say, slutty. I am a huge fan of the slutty dress. I can almost not resist buying them. This particular one is from a store called Shit Luck of all things. They have a wide variety of men and women’s clothing and tattoos. They have great slutty dresses. This dress is called Chemise dress in mauve. It’s not really mauve to me, but what the fuck do I know? The garter and stockings are from No.9(the lm I have is being a bitch and not giving info, so I will try to get a slurl here later when it isn't 1am). They are No. 9 Vintage (4 straps) in black. Hot. Yes. The shoes are Maitreya. Oh yeah and the hair is Kristin from Zero Style.

The second outfit is an outfit of loves. I cannot say this enough, but Damon Dollinger makes the BEST PURPLE IN SECOND LIFE. Don’t you forget it. The pants are Low Rise Jeans in Plum from Damon’s Fear & Clothing. If you haven’t checked out his store, you are missing out. He makes unisex clothes that make both men and women look like fucking rock stars. Go. Now.
The shirt was made by Babyhoney Bailey. Another person of my <3. She has a gorgeous shop called GBL or Georgiabean Lately and makes amazing, stylish, girly things with the occasional surprise thrown in. This is the Guino Love in Baby tshirt. I don’t know if she still sells it, but it is cute and a great color. Check her out. She will rock you.
The hair is from Damselfly. It is Aysia in Black Pearl. I love some of the Damselfly hairs because they have a decided bedhead, just been fucked look. Good stuff.
Shoes are PornStar High Tops Multicolor. If you don’t know PornStars by now, you are very new or have been hiding under a rock. They are great and look almost just like my favorite chucks.
The necklace that you cant really see very well is made by my friend Rosie Barthelmess. She is a dear dear person, who I can’t say enough about or give enough <3’s. The necklace is called Open Handcuff Necklace and you can find it at Rosie’s shop Sable Rose.

Outfit three is also an outfit of loves. The sweater is part of a set called Black Lace and Knit Set and is made by my best friend Noirran Marx. She sells her wares out of a shop called Subtle Submission. She is a prolific designer and makes amazing things. I am lucky because she drops these things on me for free. Neener neener neener.
The pants. Yes you guessed right. That amazing purple is made by Damon Dollinger at Fear & Clothing. These are pants are called Low Rise Striped and they come in great candy colors. The plum that you see here are my favorite. They are low rise, but have no ass cleavage. They come with two prim belt buckles, one for the skinny and one for those of us who are a bit thicker around the middle. This is great because I fucking hate attaching a prim and find it buried in my guts.
The shoes are by Stiletto Moody. They are the Bare Audrey in black patent. I have a thing for prim toes. I can’t help myself. Everytime I see shoes with prim toes I buy them. These are not just prim toes, they are the whole foot to the ankle. They are amazing. The only problem is that I have gone to a lighter skin tone and it’s proving impossible to match the tone. I don’t wear them as much for this reason.
The hair, omfg, the hair. This is probably my favorite hair ever. It is Temptress Revisited by Skye Everette Designs. It is huge and messy and sex in hair form. I love it.

Outfit four is upside down and hard to see, but the dress is lovely. It’s Purple Dress 3.0 by PopFuzz. I have it in a few different colors, but I love purple and this is a great purple.
The boots are Spiked Boots :: Stompy Heel by Urban Dare. They come with a hud for those of you that like walking noises. There are several walking noise options. Also, bling. But bling is bad, so don’t bling whatever you effing do. Thx.
I love this hair. It’s called Glitch and it’s by House of Munster. It is color changey, which sort of rocks outloud. I got the Black&White pack. You just click it and you have 6 shades of black and white. Nifty shit right there.

SL keeps crashing and doesn't want to let me get the rest of the slurls. I will try to get them tomorrow, and if I don't or you don't want to wait. Look these shops up. Srsly. They are worth the effort and not that effing hard to find.

<3 Z

Where I'm at today...

The sun comes through the window and caresses my face like a lovers hand. I am sitting and thinking about life and how I don’t have much of one and it makes me a bit sad. I am finding my strength again. I feel like I can finally do what needs doing in order to be whole. I still have a half broken heart from a man who, I don’t think, fully understood his grasp on it. I don’t blame him though. I wouldn’t want a broken girl either. That is what I was when I loved him. Broken. My knees are scraped and bruised metaphorically, from begging for him to love me. It’s an ugly thing to look back on. I love him still, for different reasons. He makes me think that there is more in this dirty world than just four walls. He made me find little pieces of myself that I had thought were gone for good. I am gluing them back together with superglue. I wanted to be special to someone, but I have discovered that if I am not special to myself, I am just a broken girl. I don’t want to be standard issue. I don’t want to be just like every other broken girl who wants love. So I do what I can to smother this blackness that seems to shroud my vision at times. God that sounded so emo. It makes me laugh sometimes, how woe is me I can be. I need to remember the things about me that make me kick more ass than anyone else. Because it’s there. It must be.

I make a damn good carrot cake. I try to be kind and I put others before myself a lot. I am interested in how my friends are doing. I make art occasionally. I am good at my job even though I hate it. I can be sexy and sensual and when I love I love with my whole being.

I am sure there is more, but that is what pops into my head right now.


PS. I am going to start doing fashion posts again, for the hell of it.

When.

When I start to weep for no reason and my chair is tilted back and I have your name bouncing in my head as my hand goes down my pants. When I stand in the snow and my feet go numb but my heart wakes up. When I watch cars go by and I imagine being a passenger. When I have 42 things I really should be doing and all I can do is listen to the same song over and over until I know every word and every note. When I bask in the sun coming through the window and think of birds flying south. When I ache from my shoulders to my toes and it makes me happy. When I stick my hands in hot water and wish with my whole being that I could crawl into the heat of your voice. When you look at me as I drive by and I pretend I don’t see you. When I walk around the old people who are moving too slow, but seem happy to be taking their time. When I eat chocolate and feel guilty about it. When I drink water and feel all sloshy because I drank too much and I wonder if I will float away. When I have no one to talk to and all I want to do is talk and talk and talk about nothing, about everything. When I stalk the silence armed with an air horn and a smile and a feeling of invincibility. When I take my time to look nice and brush my hair and not one person fucking notices. When all I can do is lay in bed and wish I was anywhere but here. When I think of driving there and I am so scared that my stomach becomes upset and my hands start to shake. When I wonder what I did that was so fucking wrong. When I love too much for my own good and put other people before me. When I can’t take anymore and just want to scream and smash things.