Wow it's been 11 year and this thing still sits here. Is there anyone still out there? I have returned to Second Life to find that mesh and bento and stuff like that has made everyone beautiful. You actually have to work to be ugly these days. My friends and I are going to be opening a club/bar. A small place for good music and beautiful atmosphere. I will elabote later. I have to start work in 3 minutes.

Today I have a job interview.

Since the last time I whined on here a lot has changed. And really not much at all has changed. I have lost 25 pounds. I am getting out in the world more, and today I have not only a job interview, but a second interview. I am really confident that I will get the job. The first interview went really well, but it was sort of just a basic, short, letting me know about what is expected and if I am still interested. I am. Today is the test. They will ask why I left my last job and I will have to tell them I was fired. That is always the point where peoples eyes glaze over, but I think that this time it will be different. These people will give me a chance to get back into the working world. They will give me a chance to learn and improve. Today is going to be a great day.

Anxiety is keeping me awake.

This has been a stressful month for me. Two weeks ago thursday, I turned 36 years old. I am unemployed and my unemployment benefits run out in November sometime. And there is no job prospects in sight. My mental state has been bad to say the least. Suicide has even crossed my mind a couple of times. I don't want to die though. I want to live. I want to have a life. I want to get a job that will pay enough that I can pay my bills and save some money so maybe this time next year I can move to a city. This town has been nothing but shit for me. I moved here to save my marriage. Did it work? No. I have been separated from my husband for about 3 years now. Sometimes it feels like longer and sometimes it still feels like yesterday. I have these weak moments where I think that I should go back to him. I know he would have me. But we didn't do well together. We were both miserable for almost the entirety of our marriage and going back to that wouldn't be living. I have to find a way to make some money right now. I wish I could figure out how to work from home. I think that would be best for me at this moment. I have been without a job for a year and a half and in that time have become a hermit. My social skills have deteriorated at an alarming rate. I was never the social to begin with, but now I can hardly make eye contact. Second Life isnt fun for me anymore either. It just feels like a time suck and a boring one at that. All i do when I go into SL is dj and stand around doing mostly nothing. Even making poses has lost it's appeal. I think that that part is because there are so many pose makers right now and the popular pose places are owned by the popular people in SL. I guess basically what I am saying is that I don't know what to do. I am scared shitless. In a few weeks I might be without funds and I can't pay rent or my car payment. I only owe like 1000$ left on my car and it might as well be a million dollars. I need help. I have no idea how or where to get it. I need a fucking job.

No one reads this blog anyway and I haven’t updated for awhile, so I am going to take this opportunity to rant a little and whine a little.
Why am I always the one who loves more? I am never the priority to anyone and that fucking breaks my heart over and over and over. I know that I give too much of myself. I always have and that is a lot of my problem. I can’t seem to keep from loving with my whole fucking soul. So I get slapped down time and again. Not physically, but mentally I feel like the biggest fucking reject ever. How do I always fall for the same kind of man? In the words of a friend of mine, I always fall for the broken geniuses. And the thing with these kinds of men is that when it’s good and comfortable, it is the best place ever. It is warm and sexy and interesting and good. But when it’s bad, when they are in the midst of one of their “down periods” or something, it feels like a knife to the chest. And maybe that is selfish. Maybe I have no right to complain, but you know what? I need to be a little more selfish. I give so fucking much that it feels like I have nothing left for myself sometimes. I just want to be appreciated and loved. I don’t see how that is so fucking hard.
Yeah that’s enough whining.

Purple, bitches.

So I am not happy with this picture I made to showcase some of my favorite purples, but I have been putting this off for too long. I just logged out of SL too and I realize that that was dumb. Let me log back in to get infos.

The first outfit starting from the left…I love this dress. I have it in several colors and I wear it probably too much lately. It is so lovely though. Lovely and sexy and dare I say, slutty. I am a huge fan of the slutty dress. I can almost not resist buying them. This particular one is from a store called Shit Luck of all things. They have a wide variety of men and women’s clothing and tattoos. They have great slutty dresses. This dress is called Chemise dress in mauve. It’s not really mauve to me, but what the fuck do I know? The garter and stockings are from No.9(the lm I have is being a bitch and not giving info, so I will try to get a slurl here later when it isn't 1am). They are No. 9 Vintage (4 straps) in black. Hot. Yes. The shoes are Maitreya. Oh yeah and the hair is Kristin from Zero Style.

The second outfit is an outfit of loves. I cannot say this enough, but Damon Dollinger makes the BEST PURPLE IN SECOND LIFE. Don’t you forget it. The pants are Low Rise Jeans in Plum from Damon’s Fear & Clothing. If you haven’t checked out his store, you are missing out. He makes unisex clothes that make both men and women look like fucking rock stars. Go. Now.
The shirt was made by Babyhoney Bailey. Another person of my <3. She has a gorgeous shop called GBL or Georgiabean Lately and makes amazing, stylish, girly things with the occasional surprise thrown in. This is the Guino Love in Baby tshirt. I don’t know if she still sells it, but it is cute and a great color. Check her out. She will rock you.
The hair is from Damselfly. It is Aysia in Black Pearl. I love some of the Damselfly hairs because they have a decided bedhead, just been fucked look. Good stuff.
Shoes are PornStar High Tops Multicolor. If you don’t know PornStars by now, you are very new or have been hiding under a rock. They are great and look almost just like my favorite chucks.
The necklace that you cant really see very well is made by my friend Rosie Barthelmess. She is a dear dear person, who I can’t say enough about or give enough <3’s. The necklace is called Open Handcuff Necklace and you can find it at Rosie’s shop Sable Rose.

Outfit three is also an outfit of loves. The sweater is part of a set called Black Lace and Knit Set and is made by my best friend Noirran Marx. She sells her wares out of a shop called Subtle Submission. She is a prolific designer and makes amazing things. I am lucky because she drops these things on me for free. Neener neener neener.
The pants. Yes you guessed right. That amazing purple is made by Damon Dollinger at Fear & Clothing. These are pants are called Low Rise Striped and they come in great candy colors. The plum that you see here are my favorite. They are low rise, but have no ass cleavage. They come with two prim belt buckles, one for the skinny and one for those of us who are a bit thicker around the middle. This is great because I fucking hate attaching a prim and find it buried in my guts.
The shoes are by Stiletto Moody. They are the Bare Audrey in black patent. I have a thing for prim toes. I can’t help myself. Everytime I see shoes with prim toes I buy them. These are not just prim toes, they are the whole foot to the ankle. They are amazing. The only problem is that I have gone to a lighter skin tone and it’s proving impossible to match the tone. I don’t wear them as much for this reason.
The hair, omfg, the hair. This is probably my favorite hair ever. It is Temptress Revisited by Skye Everette Designs. It is huge and messy and sex in hair form. I love it.

Outfit four is upside down and hard to see, but the dress is lovely. It’s Purple Dress 3.0 by PopFuzz. I have it in a few different colors, but I love purple and this is a great purple.
The boots are Spiked Boots :: Stompy Heel by Urban Dare. They come with a hud for those of you that like walking noises. There are several walking noise options. Also, bling. But bling is bad, so don’t bling whatever you effing do. Thx.
I love this hair. It’s called Glitch and it’s by House of Munster. It is color changey, which sort of rocks outloud. I got the Black&White pack. You just click it and you have 6 shades of black and white. Nifty shit right there.

SL keeps crashing and doesn't want to let me get the rest of the slurls. I will try to get them tomorrow, and if I don't or you don't want to wait. Look these shops up. Srsly. They are worth the effort and not that effing hard to find.

<3 Z

Where I'm at today...

The sun comes through the window and caresses my face like a lovers hand. I am sitting and thinking about life and how I don’t have much of one and it makes me a bit sad. I am finding my strength again. I feel like I can finally do what needs doing in order to be whole. I still have a half broken heart from a man who, I don’t think, fully understood his grasp on it. I don’t blame him though. I wouldn’t want a broken girl either. That is what I was when I loved him. Broken. My knees are scraped and bruised metaphorically, from begging for him to love me. It’s an ugly thing to look back on. I love him still, for different reasons. He makes me think that there is more in this dirty world than just four walls. He made me find little pieces of myself that I had thought were gone for good. I am gluing them back together with superglue. I wanted to be special to someone, but I have discovered that if I am not special to myself, I am just a broken girl. I don’t want to be standard issue. I don’t want to be just like every other broken girl who wants love. So I do what I can to smother this blackness that seems to shroud my vision at times. God that sounded so emo. It makes me laugh sometimes, how woe is me I can be. I need to remember the things about me that make me kick more ass than anyone else. Because it’s there. It must be.

I make a damn good carrot cake. I try to be kind and I put others before myself a lot. I am interested in how my friends are doing. I make art occasionally. I am good at my job even though I hate it. I can be sexy and sensual and when I love I love with my whole being.

I am sure there is more, but that is what pops into my head right now.


PS. I am going to start doing fashion posts again, for the hell of it.

When.

When I start to weep for no reason and my chair is tilted back and I have your name bouncing in my head as my hand goes down my pants. When I stand in the snow and my feet go numb but my heart wakes up. When I watch cars go by and I imagine being a passenger. When I have 42 things I really should be doing and all I can do is listen to the same song over and over until I know every word and every note. When I bask in the sun coming through the window and think of birds flying south. When I ache from my shoulders to my toes and it makes me happy. When I stick my hands in hot water and wish with my whole being that I could crawl into the heat of your voice. When you look at me as I drive by and I pretend I don’t see you. When I walk around the old people who are moving too slow, but seem happy to be taking their time. When I eat chocolate and feel guilty about it. When I drink water and feel all sloshy because I drank too much and I wonder if I will float away. When I have no one to talk to and all I want to do is talk and talk and talk about nothing, about everything. When I stalk the silence armed with an air horn and a smile and a feeling of invincibility. When I take my time to look nice and brush my hair and not one person fucking notices. When all I can do is lay in bed and wish I was anywhere but here. When I think of driving there and I am so scared that my stomach becomes upset and my hands start to shake. When I wonder what I did that was so fucking wrong. When I love too much for my own good and put other people before me. When I can’t take anymore and just want to scream and smash things.

It sometimes amazes me what it takes to open my eyes. I have spent so much of my last several years needing other people to hold me up and I should have been holding myself up. It took almost losing someone who has become one of the most important people in my life to see what I was doing. The sad thing is that in all of my selfishness, they were suffering too. They needed someone to help hold them up and I was not there for them. I am disgusted with myself for that. However, I am starting to find my strength again and if they need me I will do everything I can to be there for them. I hope they know that. I am not 100% by any means, but I am strong enough to shoulder some of it.

Wow, the last two days have been beautiful. The sun is shining and I have had to have my window open at work. I just want to go out and play.

Bjork - Who is it

His embrace, a fortress
It fuels me
And places
A skeleton of trust
Right beneath us
Bone by bone
Stone by stone
If you ask yourself patiently and carefully:
Who is it ?
Who is it that never lets you down ?
Who is it that gave you back your crown ?
And the ornaments are going around
Now they're handing it over
Handing it over

He demands a closeness
We all have earned a lightness
Carry my joy on the left
Carry my pain on the right

If you ask yourself patiently and carefully:
Who is it ?
Who is it that never lets you down ?
Who is it that gave you back your crown ?
And the ornaments are going around
Now they're handing it over
Handing it over

I don’t know anything anymore. I trudge on, I have all these damn emotions that I can’t seem to wrangle and it feels like they splatter on the people I love the most. I say the wrong things at the wrong time and I make it worse by rambling on about inane things. I wish I was the girl I used to be before I got married. I was strong and confident and more able to deal with all the shit in my head. I don’t see any of that girl in me anymore. I am afraid of everything. I hide behind this layer of giggles and stupid. I don’t know how to find the me I was or to become the me I am supposed to be. I don’t know what interests me anymore. I can’t create art. I crave it, but I don’t do it. Maybe fear of rejection or maybe fear of what my art will show me. I am 34 years old and I don’t know who I am. That is pretty pathetic really.

One thing that I do know is that I love. I don’t say it often enough and I ahahah don’t say it right, but I do. Fiercely. And loving that way can hurt. It sometimes makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry until it’s all out. I do need to find out who I am before that love can make more sense, but I will and then look out.

I think I’ve lost my way. I don’t know what I am doing anymore. I am so very tired.

/rant

I’m tired. I’m tired of wanting and wanting and not getting. I am tired of being let down by people. I am tired of even caring. I am tired of worry and stupid people doing stupid things. I am tired of going to school and not knowing what I want to do with the education I am getting. I am tired of being sick and I am tired of being tired.

I just want to go. I want to travel this world and see and do and fuck and sing and explore. I want to meet people who have never been to America. I want to learn new languages by immersing myself in them. I want to stomp in rain puddles in London and see the green green green of Scotland. Nairn, in fact. It’s a golf resort town. I don’t like golf, but I still want to go there.

I want him to whisper dirty things in my ear as we fuck. I want to come screaming under him only to start all over again after a few minutes of gasping. I want to break furniture and make the neighbors sigh with envy. The kind of fucking you need a few days to recover from. The kind of fucking that lays it all bare.

I want to paint and sculpt things from clay. I want to create outer manifestations of the results of all this fucking. Giant sculptures of metal and glass that make people shiver to look upon. Make their nipples hard and their lips tremble.

I want to not be afraid. I want to think that I am capable of doing these things and be fearless enough to try them.

The wind and Dr. Who

Today I am in a good mood. It’s actually a wonderful thing because I haven’t been in a good mood in a couple of weeks now. I have had the sads. No need to go into why, but they have been deep and all encompassing. To the point that my mother asked me no fewer than 4 times if I was alright. Today, I AM alright. It has been raining really hard for 3 days and today the wind is blowing hard. I am hoping for power outage so that I can go home and take a nap. Though I did get up an hour later than normal today because, apparently, I turned off my alarm. I am just lucky I always wake up and look at the clock at 8:05. For a few moments I contemplated calling in sick, but in the end I decided I needed money more than more sleep.

I love the wind. It makes me feel all invigorated to be out in it. Earlier I was standing out there and the wind caught the bun in my hair and it felt like someone was tugging it. It was odd and sort of great. Weather like this always makes me all tingly and wish I had someone to…tingle with.

The last couple of days, I have been watching the first season of the BBC show Dr. Who. Holy shit, I love it! I am mad for the 9th Dr., whom I just figured out only lasts until the end of season one. Sawb. I am assured that I will be mad for the 10th Dr as well.

I have had the urge to start writing again, lately. I have this story brewing in my head and it’s sort of been there for months. I worry that I wont do it justice. It has been many years since I wrote anything longer than a blog post. I used to write short stories all of the time. I feel like I need to get some more knowledge before I can write well though. I’ve been in this bubble of hermit that I am trying harder and harder to break out of. Also, I want to paint. I want to experiment with watercolours. I have been a horrible niece and have still not painting my aunt’s Christmas present. Horrible horrible! I need to do that. Just painting will help some of this residual shit in my head. Of course, when I am sad like that I don’t feel like writing or painting or crocheting, even though I have things I need to do and quickly. Time has been slipping away from me lately, though. Which is sort of very weird, because I am usually hyperaware of time. But lately, weeks can pass and I think it has just been a couple of days. It’s annoying and starting to get me into trouble.

Lady Stardust...

I am having a cranky, crappy day. Little sleep and lots of annoying people are contributing to this, but there is one thing that is keeping me from going on a killing spree. That is David Bowie's The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders From Mars album. I've had it on repeat since 8 this morning. I am surprised my coworker isnt going crazy from the repetition at this point. The song Lady Stardust has me all mellow and singing along in between spurts of irritation and foul language. Someone (Damon, I am almost sure) told me that this song is about Marc Bolan from T. Rex.

People stared at the makeup on his face
Laughed at his long black hair, his animal grace
The boy in the bright blue jeans
Jumped onto the stage
And lady stardust sang his songs
Of darkness and disgrace
And he was alright the band was altogether
Yes he was alright the song went on forever
And he was awful nice
Really quite out of sight
And he sang all night long
Femme fatales emerged from the shadows
To watch this creature fair
Boys stood upon their chairs
To make their point of view
I smiled sadly for a love I could not obey
And lady stardust sang his songs
Of darness and dismay
And he was alright the band was altogether
Yes he was alright the song went on forever
And he was awful nice
Really quite paradise
And he sang all night long
Oh how I sighed when they asked if I knew his name
And he was alright the band was altogether
Yes he was alright the song went on forever
And he was awful nice
Really quite paradise
And he sang all night long

For some reason David Bowie's music always gives me a fantastic sense of calm. It may be where it takes my brain. A sort of comfort food for my brains, if you will. *laughs* I'm a nerd, but I'm calm and that sort of rocks. Especially since I was in a fury just minutes ago.

Today has been a lovely day. It started out a little crappy. The other day I ordered a very expensive text book online and they took my money and then sent an email saying they didn’t have the book in stock any longer and were returning my monies. Well today they finally returned it and I went online to order the book from somewhere else and the price of the book had gone up so much that I could no longer afford it. So I was freaking out because the class starts a week from today. So I emailed my Student Advisor and told her the issue and she was all “How about I switch you from Math to Life Drawing?” I quickly looked up the books and the three books for that class together are cheaper than the one for the Math class. How fucked up is that? So I am taking Life Drawing and Visual something or another starting next Thursday. I love art classes so it should be fun. Though I suck at drawing so it may just be an exercise in frustration. BUT I would rather that than math.

Then a friend told me about something that was cool that I am not going to write about here because it isn’t my happy to share, but its really cool and contributes to my happy.

It’s raining really really hard today. I just want to go out and jump in puddles, but its more fun with a friend and I don’t really have any. I do really. I have some of the best friends a girl could ask for, but none of them are in the town I live in…in most cases not even the state and in some cases not even the country.

It’s 15 minutes until I get to go home and that pleases me greatly. I just want to be at home.

Hiccups

Today has been crazy busy, but suddenly it's quiet and I can breathe. The fucked up part of the busy has been that I have had the hiccups for two days and and talking to people is becoming increasingly difficult. I'm in a fairly good mood though. Which is sort of amazing for a busy monday when I has the evil hiccups of doom. I had more to say, but I cant remember what it was, so more later maybe.

zarabella has an emo

Why do we do the things that we do. We make ourselves slaves to our emotions and give the controls to people that don’t want them. We give and we give until we have nothing left and are left wondering how it could have happened. We are deaf to the internal screaming of others. I look around me and I wonder how I got here. How I could have felt so much for so long and suddenly I feel numb. No.. the emotion is hiding behind the numb. I can feel it back there trying to push its way out. If I let it out I will be worthless to the world. I will just scream and never be able to stop. Scream out all of the frustration and sadness and anger.

My hands hurt so badly today. I think one day they will be useless. Along with my eyes and my ears. I will just be this lump who cannot see or hear or feed itself.

I really wanted to be someone you cared about. Maybe even someone you loved. I see now that that won’t happen. I was a silly little girl trying to find her place. I give up. I back off. I don’t believe in love anymore.

It’s raining today. I have been in this horribly sad mind space for the last few days. It’s annoying. I am sick of myself. But I can’t seem to shake this. I’ve cried more in the last couple days than I have in the last month at least.

I really need to find a new job. I’ve been here for going on 3 years and it’s making me insane. I go through periods where I am all right and then this horrible bout of I don’t really give a shit happens. I’m firmly in the middle of one of those and if I am not careful I am going to get fired and then have no choice in the matter. Also, I am taking 5 weeks off of school. I am so burned out that I cant make myself care about that either. The only problem is that in order to stay enrolled I have to take both classes in the second half of the quarter. That is going to suck. One of the classes is Math. I suck at math. I wonder if I can sweet talk my friend Spike into helping me again.

God I’m freezing today. I need to dig out my winter stuffs so I don’t sit here and shiver.