When.

When I start to weep for no reason and my chair is tilted back and I have your name bouncing in my head as my hand goes down my pants. When I stand in the snow and my feet go numb but my heart wakes up. When I watch cars go by and I imagine being a passenger. When I have 42 things I really should be doing and all I can do is listen to the same song over and over until I know every word and every note. When I bask in the sun coming through the window and think of birds flying south. When I ache from my shoulders to my toes and it makes me happy. When I stick my hands in hot water and wish with my whole being that I could crawl into the heat of your voice. When you look at me as I drive by and I pretend I don’t see you. When I walk around the old people who are moving too slow, but seem happy to be taking their time. When I eat chocolate and feel guilty about it. When I drink water and feel all sloshy because I drank too much and I wonder if I will float away. When I have no one to talk to and all I want to do is talk and talk and talk about nothing, about everything. When I stalk the silence armed with an air horn and a smile and a feeling of invincibility. When I take my time to look nice and brush my hair and not one person fucking notices. When all I can do is lay in bed and wish I was anywhere but here. When I think of driving there and I am so scared that my stomach becomes upset and my hands start to shake. When I wonder what I did that was so fucking wrong. When I love too much for my own good and put other people before me. When I can’t take anymore and just want to scream and smash things.