Whatevs.

It has been a really shitty few days. My mom has been broken down from stress and on medication that doesn’t seem to be helping any. Then she was fired Monday. It’s stressful for both of us because now I am the only one with a job and I don’t make enough money to support us both. Hopefully, she will get unemployment and find another job quick.

I started smoking again. It’s been about a month now. Today I can feel it. I don’t know what I think I am doing. It doesn’t help anything and it fucking stinks. I can’t seem to help myself though. It’s weirdly comforting.

I’m doing this school stuff and I wonder what I was thinking. I don’t feel like I am ever going to get to a point where I can get out of customer service. I don’t feel like I am learning a whole lot either. The class that has taught me the most so far was perspective. And I still can’t draw for shit, but I can make a box that is in perspective. Go me.

I have a full tank of gas and most of a pack of cigarettes and 33$. I wonder how far that would get me. Probably not very far. I couldn’t do that to my mom anyway. I told her I would stick around for a while. I love her, but I would really love to be by myself for a while.

I have listened to the song Remember by Skold so many times in the last couple days that it is firmly wedged in my head. It’s such a good song though. That whole album is really. This line…”I’m tired and I can’t remember…” so stuck in my head.

Today I look at the sky and see images in the clouds. Today I sit and wonder. If I wish hard enough could I create a staircase with my mind and go up and dance with those figures in the clouds? Could I steal the crown of the cloud king? Would he chop off my head? Would he look like David Bowie and sing everything he said?

I sometimes wish I could see through my cat’s eyes. She always looks like she is pondering something interesting. Though at the moment they are all squinty and gooey. My poor fuzzy baby.

I just heard a David Bowie song I don’t think I have ever heard before. It is called The Hearts Filthy Lesson. It is really quite fantastic. It makes me think of someone. A someone who is also rather fantastic. I love falling in love with songs I’ve never heard by old favorites. Though it is a bit disconcerting. It makes me wonder what else I have missed.

The desire to create art is so strong in me today that I have to consciously keep my focus on other things. I am at work, taking a bit of a break, so I thought I would post in my blog. But the art, it calls to me. I have a sketch pad here with a doodle that I started yesterday and I really just want to get lost in it with this beautiful music caressing my brain. I cant, however. There are people here and they would not appreciate my doodling when I am supposed to be working. I want to paint a face. I don’t think that I will have time for that until Saturday. I hope that the inspiration is still there by then. Maybe I can do something late tonight when I am done djing.

Time and again I tell myself…stay clean tonight. Yes, David Bowie some more. I blame Damon. It was perfect for my mood and the afternoon. It makes me think that I might have to play some Bowie for the strippers. That was a funny sentence, but I assure you it makes sense. I am just rambling really now.

I know it's cheesy to post song lyrics.

Ice by Sarah Mclachlan

The ice is thin come on dive in
underneath my lucid skin
the cold is lost, forgotten
Hours pass days pass time stands still
light gets dark and darkness fills
my secret heart forbidden...
I think you worried for me then
the subtle ways that I'd give in but I know
you liked the show
tied down to this bed of shame
you tried to move around the pain but oh
your soul is anchored
The only comfort is the moving of the river
You enter into me, a lie upon your lips
offer what you can, I'll take all that I can get
only a fool's here...
I don't like your tragic sighs
as if your god has passed you by well hey fool
that's your deception
your angels speak with jilted tongues
the serpent's tale has come undone you have no
strength to squander
The only comfort is the moving of the river
You enter into me, a lie upon your lips
offer what you can, I'll take all that I can get
only a fool's here to stay
only a fool's here to stay
only a fool's here...

Songs about heat and lust...

The heat presses against me today. It makes me aware of my clothes and my body in ways I am generally not aware of. It makes my lips and fingertips sensitive. Eating a pretzel becomes an erotic experience. Everybody seems to be moving slower today. We are not used to the air being so heavy. I blame the heat, but I have been in a state for several days now. Breath slightly heavy, nipples hard, bottom lip clamped between teeth.

I can’t concentrate. I should be working, but all I can think about is the heat. I am listening to some music made by a band who’s singer is a guy I know, sort of.. ahahah. It’s really good stuff. Sins of Lust is the name of the band. It’s not really helping my state of mind however. It’s good music that I could see moving against another body to.

A breeze just came in through the window. It was cool and lovely and yet still felt like a caress. I am in a bad way. * laughs*

I really don't know what to say...

Lately, I have been in this state of sadness. I have cried my rivers of tears and brought people down with me. I am tired of the sad and that is making me angry. So from the sad emerges the bitch. The bitch is not interested in people. I am just wanting to be alone with my rage and maybe create some art. I say that, but at the same time I feel lonely. Stupid complex emotions.