Today has been a lovely day. It started out a little crappy. The other day I ordered a very expensive text book online and they took my money and then sent an email saying they didn’t have the book in stock any longer and were returning my monies. Well today they finally returned it and I went online to order the book from somewhere else and the price of the book had gone up so much that I could no longer afford it. So I was freaking out because the class starts a week from today. So I emailed my Student Advisor and told her the issue and she was all “How about I switch you from Math to Life Drawing?” I quickly looked up the books and the three books for that class together are cheaper than the one for the Math class. How fucked up is that? So I am taking Life Drawing and Visual something or another starting next Thursday. I love art classes so it should be fun. Though I suck at drawing so it may just be an exercise in frustration. BUT I would rather that than math.

Then a friend told me about something that was cool that I am not going to write about here because it isn’t my happy to share, but its really cool and contributes to my happy.

It’s raining really really hard today. I just want to go out and jump in puddles, but its more fun with a friend and I don’t really have any. I do really. I have some of the best friends a girl could ask for, but none of them are in the town I live in…in most cases not even the state and in some cases not even the country.

It’s 15 minutes until I get to go home and that pleases me greatly. I just want to be at home.

Hiccups

Today has been crazy busy, but suddenly it's quiet and I can breathe. The fucked up part of the busy has been that I have had the hiccups for two days and and talking to people is becoming increasingly difficult. I'm in a fairly good mood though. Which is sort of amazing for a busy monday when I has the evil hiccups of doom. I had more to say, but I cant remember what it was, so more later maybe.

zarabella has an emo

Why do we do the things that we do. We make ourselves slaves to our emotions and give the controls to people that don’t want them. We give and we give until we have nothing left and are left wondering how it could have happened. We are deaf to the internal screaming of others. I look around me and I wonder how I got here. How I could have felt so much for so long and suddenly I feel numb. No.. the emotion is hiding behind the numb. I can feel it back there trying to push its way out. If I let it out I will be worthless to the world. I will just scream and never be able to stop. Scream out all of the frustration and sadness and anger.

My hands hurt so badly today. I think one day they will be useless. Along with my eyes and my ears. I will just be this lump who cannot see or hear or feed itself.

I really wanted to be someone you cared about. Maybe even someone you loved. I see now that that won’t happen. I was a silly little girl trying to find her place. I give up. I back off. I don’t believe in love anymore.

It’s raining today. I have been in this horribly sad mind space for the last few days. It’s annoying. I am sick of myself. But I can’t seem to shake this. I’ve cried more in the last couple days than I have in the last month at least.

I really need to find a new job. I’ve been here for going on 3 years and it’s making me insane. I go through periods where I am all right and then this horrible bout of I don’t really give a shit happens. I’m firmly in the middle of one of those and if I am not careful I am going to get fired and then have no choice in the matter. Also, I am taking 5 weeks off of school. I am so burned out that I cant make myself care about that either. The only problem is that in order to stay enrolled I have to take both classes in the second half of the quarter. That is going to suck. One of the classes is Math. I suck at math. I wonder if I can sweet talk my friend Spike into helping me again.

God I’m freezing today. I need to dig out my winter stuffs so I don’t sit here and shiver.

floaty dicks and cereal rapists...a love story

A conversation with Allias on gtalk.

me: yes but
you are talking to me
so its like i am there
poking you
Nicole: Yus
me: poke
Nicole: Only in a non visible sorta way
me: im a ghost
ooooooooowwwwhoooooooooss
thats my ghost sound
Nicole: feels a poke and looks around and screams "OMG OMG OMG OMG I am SOOOOOOOOOO Moving, it is haunted. HALP! HALP! Who do I call? GHOSTBUSTERS!"
me: hahahah shush yous
no GHOSTBUSTERS can save yo ass nao
Nicole: that sounds like a promise.
me: bend ovah babeh
i was just gonna google something and i have completely forgotten what it was
Nicole: Um,Ghost sex? Would that work?
me: i could make various parts of me coporeal Or however dat shit is spelled
Nicole: Hahaha
I visualize a dick like forming out of thin air and chasing me
me: hahahahahah thanks now so am i!
Nicole: Better than a huge vagina tryin to eat me
me: and your hands are all in the air and youre screaming HALP HALP i has a ghost dick!
oh i laff. so so hard
Nicole: I made our ghost dick convo into a notecard labeled wut do Alli and Zara chat about all day?
me: hahahah
Nicole: I need to start a blog of our silly rampages like that one
But people would be like wtf is wrong with you both
Nicole: Homocidal maniacs and closet creeps
Nicole: I meant to say homocidal maniacs and closet cereeps care about what others think, not that those are the people we care about
me: hahahah
Nicole: clarifies
me: you are crackin me up today
Nicole: I am in a mood
A laughin yet emo critical moody mood with like silly on top
me: thats my mood too. it could tip to emo real easy but im not gonna let it.
and my tampon feels like sandpaper
Nicole: Yus that is why we have floating dicks and cereal rapers
me: hahahahahah now i am picture that floating dick raping a bowl of cereal
Nicole: HAhahaha
Geez now me too
me: take it TAKE IT slosh
Nicole: Then he got a fruit loop stuck
me: hahahahah
i has laff tears
Nicole: Fruit loops, it's just not for eating
me: oh i just had a peewee herman laugh
Nicole: I am gunna forever think of fruit loops as th3e cock ring cereal
me: them has to be some serious fruity loops to be a cock ring
Nicole: Or a tiny peenor
me: see i was just picturing said floaty dick with fruit loops stuck all over it
Nicole: Hey they all can't be 12 inches long and sterile
me: yeah but pencil dick would be generous if it could fit in a fruit loop
hahahah i cant believe i just typed that sentence
Nicole: lul
I am tryin to imagine a man with a actual pencil sized dick
me: this is terrible.
im bad bad
Nicole: I dated a guy once who felt like a pencil and looked like one of the big thick novelty pencils, I keep seein that in my head now
Cause even those pencils are not that big you know
He was Tiny
But I learned to fake
me: ive only ever been with my husband and he had a pretty nicely sized cawk
or has since i dont think he is without it
hahah
Nicole: Lul
You are secretly holding it hostage in a jar
I know it
me: hahahah ewww
Nicole: LET MY PEENOR GO!
me: i almost shot diet coke out my nose. evil
Nicole: FREE WILLY!
me: bahahahahahah
Nicole: Omg wouldn't it just stare at you with its one eye?
me: then it would project its voice into my head like the tell tale penis. budub "lemme go." budum "or fuck me"
eewwww
Nicole: Wow A talking penis
I would tell him STF and you might get some
me: jesus christ. i have sliced my hands open 4 times today
Nicole: STFU*
Eck
Not you stfu, the jar penis
me: hahahah i know
hahahah
i'm going to put this conversation on my blog
Nicole: I mean really, i would do a dildo first, cause a talky penis sounds like it would be the whiney est part of a man
Now if it were a talkin hand, you could screw it and I am sure it would only be half as annoying

Whatevs.

It has been a really shitty few days. My mom has been broken down from stress and on medication that doesn’t seem to be helping any. Then she was fired Monday. It’s stressful for both of us because now I am the only one with a job and I don’t make enough money to support us both. Hopefully, she will get unemployment and find another job quick.

I started smoking again. It’s been about a month now. Today I can feel it. I don’t know what I think I am doing. It doesn’t help anything and it fucking stinks. I can’t seem to help myself though. It’s weirdly comforting.

I’m doing this school stuff and I wonder what I was thinking. I don’t feel like I am ever going to get to a point where I can get out of customer service. I don’t feel like I am learning a whole lot either. The class that has taught me the most so far was perspective. And I still can’t draw for shit, but I can make a box that is in perspective. Go me.

I have a full tank of gas and most of a pack of cigarettes and 33$. I wonder how far that would get me. Probably not very far. I couldn’t do that to my mom anyway. I told her I would stick around for a while. I love her, but I would really love to be by myself for a while.

I have listened to the song Remember by Skold so many times in the last couple days that it is firmly wedged in my head. It’s such a good song though. That whole album is really. This line…”I’m tired and I can’t remember…” so stuck in my head.