It’s raining today. I have been in this horribly sad mind space for the last few days. It’s annoying. I am sick of myself. But I can’t seem to shake this. I’ve cried more in the last couple days than I have in the last month at least.

I really need to find a new job. I’ve been here for going on 3 years and it’s making me insane. I go through periods where I am all right and then this horrible bout of I don’t really give a shit happens. I’m firmly in the middle of one of those and if I am not careful I am going to get fired and then have no choice in the matter. Also, I am taking 5 weeks off of school. I am so burned out that I cant make myself care about that either. The only problem is that in order to stay enrolled I have to take both classes in the second half of the quarter. That is going to suck. One of the classes is Math. I suck at math. I wonder if I can sweet talk my friend Spike into helping me again.

God I’m freezing today. I need to dig out my winter stuffs so I don’t sit here and shiver.

floaty dicks and cereal rapists...a love story

A conversation with Allias on gtalk.

me: yes but
you are talking to me
so its like i am there
poking you
Nicole: Yus
me: poke
Nicole: Only in a non visible sorta way
me: im a ghost
ooooooooowwwwhoooooooooss
thats my ghost sound
Nicole: feels a poke and looks around and screams "OMG OMG OMG OMG I am SOOOOOOOOOO Moving, it is haunted. HALP! HALP! Who do I call? GHOSTBUSTERS!"
me: hahahah shush yous
no GHOSTBUSTERS can save yo ass nao
Nicole: that sounds like a promise.
me: bend ovah babeh
i was just gonna google something and i have completely forgotten what it was
Nicole: Um,Ghost sex? Would that work?
me: i could make various parts of me coporeal Or however dat shit is spelled
Nicole: Hahaha
I visualize a dick like forming out of thin air and chasing me
me: hahahahahah thanks now so am i!
Nicole: Better than a huge vagina tryin to eat me
me: and your hands are all in the air and youre screaming HALP HALP i has a ghost dick!
oh i laff. so so hard
Nicole: I made our ghost dick convo into a notecard labeled wut do Alli and Zara chat about all day?
me: hahahah
Nicole: I need to start a blog of our silly rampages like that one
But people would be like wtf is wrong with you both
Nicole: Homocidal maniacs and closet creeps
Nicole: I meant to say homocidal maniacs and closet cereeps care about what others think, not that those are the people we care about
me: hahahah
Nicole: clarifies
me: you are crackin me up today
Nicole: I am in a mood
A laughin yet emo critical moody mood with like silly on top
me: thats my mood too. it could tip to emo real easy but im not gonna let it.
and my tampon feels like sandpaper
Nicole: Yus that is why we have floating dicks and cereal rapers
me: hahahahahah now i am picture that floating dick raping a bowl of cereal
Nicole: HAhahaha
Geez now me too
me: take it TAKE IT slosh
Nicole: Then he got a fruit loop stuck
me: hahahahah
i has laff tears
Nicole: Fruit loops, it's just not for eating
me: oh i just had a peewee herman laugh
Nicole: I am gunna forever think of fruit loops as th3e cock ring cereal
me: them has to be some serious fruity loops to be a cock ring
Nicole: Or a tiny peenor
me: see i was just picturing said floaty dick with fruit loops stuck all over it
Nicole: Hey they all can't be 12 inches long and sterile
me: yeah but pencil dick would be generous if it could fit in a fruit loop
hahahah i cant believe i just typed that sentence
Nicole: lul
I am tryin to imagine a man with a actual pencil sized dick
me: this is terrible.
im bad bad
Nicole: I dated a guy once who felt like a pencil and looked like one of the big thick novelty pencils, I keep seein that in my head now
Cause even those pencils are not that big you know
He was Tiny
But I learned to fake
me: ive only ever been with my husband and he had a pretty nicely sized cawk
or has since i dont think he is without it
hahah
Nicole: Lul
You are secretly holding it hostage in a jar
I know it
me: hahahah ewww
Nicole: LET MY PEENOR GO!
me: i almost shot diet coke out my nose. evil
Nicole: FREE WILLY!
me: bahahahahahah
Nicole: Omg wouldn't it just stare at you with its one eye?
me: then it would project its voice into my head like the tell tale penis. budub "lemme go." budum "or fuck me"
eewwww
Nicole: Wow A talking penis
I would tell him STF and you might get some
me: jesus christ. i have sliced my hands open 4 times today
Nicole: STFU*
Eck
Not you stfu, the jar penis
me: hahahah i know
hahahah
i'm going to put this conversation on my blog
Nicole: I mean really, i would do a dildo first, cause a talky penis sounds like it would be the whiney est part of a man
Now if it were a talkin hand, you could screw it and I am sure it would only be half as annoying

Whatevs.

It has been a really shitty few days. My mom has been broken down from stress and on medication that doesn’t seem to be helping any. Then she was fired Monday. It’s stressful for both of us because now I am the only one with a job and I don’t make enough money to support us both. Hopefully, she will get unemployment and find another job quick.

I started smoking again. It’s been about a month now. Today I can feel it. I don’t know what I think I am doing. It doesn’t help anything and it fucking stinks. I can’t seem to help myself though. It’s weirdly comforting.

I’m doing this school stuff and I wonder what I was thinking. I don’t feel like I am ever going to get to a point where I can get out of customer service. I don’t feel like I am learning a whole lot either. The class that has taught me the most so far was perspective. And I still can’t draw for shit, but I can make a box that is in perspective. Go me.

I have a full tank of gas and most of a pack of cigarettes and 33$. I wonder how far that would get me. Probably not very far. I couldn’t do that to my mom anyway. I told her I would stick around for a while. I love her, but I would really love to be by myself for a while.

I have listened to the song Remember by Skold so many times in the last couple days that it is firmly wedged in my head. It’s such a good song though. That whole album is really. This line…”I’m tired and I can’t remember…” so stuck in my head.

Today I look at the sky and see images in the clouds. Today I sit and wonder. If I wish hard enough could I create a staircase with my mind and go up and dance with those figures in the clouds? Could I steal the crown of the cloud king? Would he chop off my head? Would he look like David Bowie and sing everything he said?

I sometimes wish I could see through my cat’s eyes. She always looks like she is pondering something interesting. Though at the moment they are all squinty and gooey. My poor fuzzy baby.

I just heard a David Bowie song I don’t think I have ever heard before. It is called The Hearts Filthy Lesson. It is really quite fantastic. It makes me think of someone. A someone who is also rather fantastic. I love falling in love with songs I’ve never heard by old favorites. Though it is a bit disconcerting. It makes me wonder what else I have missed.

The desire to create art is so strong in me today that I have to consciously keep my focus on other things. I am at work, taking a bit of a break, so I thought I would post in my blog. But the art, it calls to me. I have a sketch pad here with a doodle that I started yesterday and I really just want to get lost in it with this beautiful music caressing my brain. I cant, however. There are people here and they would not appreciate my doodling when I am supposed to be working. I want to paint a face. I don’t think that I will have time for that until Saturday. I hope that the inspiration is still there by then. Maybe I can do something late tonight when I am done djing.

Time and again I tell myself…stay clean tonight. Yes, David Bowie some more. I blame Damon. It was perfect for my mood and the afternoon. It makes me think that I might have to play some Bowie for the strippers. That was a funny sentence, but I assure you it makes sense. I am just rambling really now.

I know it's cheesy to post song lyrics.

Ice by Sarah Mclachlan

The ice is thin come on dive in
underneath my lucid skin
the cold is lost, forgotten
Hours pass days pass time stands still
light gets dark and darkness fills
my secret heart forbidden...
I think you worried for me then
the subtle ways that I'd give in but I know
you liked the show
tied down to this bed of shame
you tried to move around the pain but oh
your soul is anchored
The only comfort is the moving of the river
You enter into me, a lie upon your lips
offer what you can, I'll take all that I can get
only a fool's here...
I don't like your tragic sighs
as if your god has passed you by well hey fool
that's your deception
your angels speak with jilted tongues
the serpent's tale has come undone you have no
strength to squander
The only comfort is the moving of the river
You enter into me, a lie upon your lips
offer what you can, I'll take all that I can get
only a fool's here to stay
only a fool's here to stay
only a fool's here...

Songs about heat and lust...

The heat presses against me today. It makes me aware of my clothes and my body in ways I am generally not aware of. It makes my lips and fingertips sensitive. Eating a pretzel becomes an erotic experience. Everybody seems to be moving slower today. We are not used to the air being so heavy. I blame the heat, but I have been in a state for several days now. Breath slightly heavy, nipples hard, bottom lip clamped between teeth.

I can’t concentrate. I should be working, but all I can think about is the heat. I am listening to some music made by a band who’s singer is a guy I know, sort of.. ahahah. It’s really good stuff. Sins of Lust is the name of the band. It’s not really helping my state of mind however. It’s good music that I could see moving against another body to.

A breeze just came in through the window. It was cool and lovely and yet still felt like a caress. I am in a bad way. * laughs*

I really don't know what to say...

Lately, I have been in this state of sadness. I have cried my rivers of tears and brought people down with me. I am tired of the sad and that is making me angry. So from the sad emerges the bitch. The bitch is not interested in people. I am just wanting to be alone with my rage and maybe create some art. I say that, but at the same time I feel lonely. Stupid complex emotions.